Okay, it’s a daily and a tabloid at that, but I still don’t understand how Tom Sykes’s error made it into print. (Besides, this is a redemptive moment for me, so I hope that you’ll cut me some slack.) In a piece on the season finale of “Curb Your Enthusiasm,” Sykes wrote, “Tonight, ‘Curbies’ will get to see Brooks and Stiller again, as one of the season’s major story lines - Larry performing in “The Producers” on Broadway - concludes.” Stiller actually disappeared several episodes ago and Mel Brooks gave the role of Leo Bloom to David Schwimmer in his stead.
A quick unrelated thought:
Did you ever wonder what it would be like if adult film producers came up with headlines? Based on some of the movie titles they invent - particularly those that are derivative - I often thought that the news would just be more fun if the titles were vaguely adult-themed. Today, I found an article on acupuncture’s effect on migraines entitled “Acupuncture Helps Chronic Headache Sufferers-Study.” My pornographic title of choice? “Ooh, Stick It in Me.”
WOULD THAT I HAD A SPEECH IMPEDIMENT
This isn’t breaking news, but Stuttering John from the Howard Stern show is going to be moving to the left coast to take over as the announcer for the “Tonight Show.” That’s right, a stutterer with a thick New Yawk accent will find himself bringing home $500,000 a year to speak. Only in America.
PRISON CHICKS
The ever-reputable Enquirer is running a story that claims “gangs of lesbians” are eagerly awaiting Martha Stewart’s arrival inside the federal prison in Danbury, Connecticut. And here I was, completely unaware that lesbian gangs existed. I wonder if they are as intimidating as their male counterparts — the Fab Five.
CHEW ON THIS
Singapore is reconsidering its ban on chewing gum and may allow the sale of Nicorette, a gum used as an aid in smoking cessation. It’s a slippery slope, though, and it’s probably only a matter of time before they allow therapeutic sales of Bazooka Joe. This definitely threatens to put a crimp in my plans to build a gum-selling empire just across the border in Malaysia.
FOUL BALL
A man with seemingly too little to do has created a 1,300 pound baseball. Word has it that researchers are already working hard to develop a steroid with 1,300 times the potency of the current crop.
The AP is reporting that the Dallas Cowboys have acquired QB Drew Henson and signed him to an eight year deal. If this is true, then Bill Parcells looks to have three former professional baseball players vying for the Dallas quarterback job this coming season. Henson’s struggles in the Yankees farm system were well documented by the press. Chad Hutchinson - last year’s backup QB - was a pitcher in the St. Louis Cardinals organization. The Cowboys’ starter last season was Quincy Carter, a onetime Chicago Cub farmhand.
Do conventional extreme sports leave you thirsting for a real adrenaline rush? Perhaps it’s time you checked out some “Bedroom Adventure Gear.” Liberator promises enhanced sex, claiming that their products are “the modern day Kama Sutra.” I have to hand it to their marketing folks; I’ve never seen someone invoke an ancient text to sell “adventure gear.” (Then again, it does seem like a natural fit….)
The site leaves little to the imagination thanks to “tasteful nudity” and streaming video of naked people getting it on. That’s right, it’s the free porn - the very thing that keeps the Internet alive. You can watch the products in action or check out the “Position of the Month.” It’s March, which means that this is the month of “Stand and Deliver.”
“This position will deliver the most powerful, deep thrusting possible. While she’s softly supported, he can not only stand but straddle his legs wide for strong, solid leverage. This results in deep, intense penetration.”
Too bad the guy in the photo looks nothing like Edward James Olmos.